You Made Me a Mom

I’ve decided to blog again. I miss it. I love typing out my feelings, it’s so therapeutic. Every night a thought or memory will pop into my head and I think to myself that I have to remember that moment. I have to capture it so I can read it one day when my memory begins to fail me, and my kids can read it one day too.My writing is Much to be desired, but I hope you can still enjoy it.  Last night was the moment when I decided to start again. I was at work and Jack, my oldest, was sending me texts from his new phone he got for Christmas. We joked back and forth all night and I realized in that moment what a great young man he is becoming. When I say young man, it startles me. It seems like yesterday that he was my baby. He will always be my baby, just bigger! I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with him. It was a pretty big surprise to his dad and I. We were very fortunate to get pregnant right away and I know how blessed that makes us. But it also surprised us greatly. There was no big celebration of us jumping up and down crying, we just looked at each other and thought Oh My God, this is happening? This is really happening? It’s obviously what we wanted but we weren’t prepared for how quickly it was going to happen. I remember going to Outback for dinner that night. We sat quietly in the car and at dinner. Digesting our thoughts, thinking of our future. Things were about to change and I had no idea how much. That night I laid in bed in the fetal position clutching my stomach. I will never forget that moment. There is a baby in there, there is a baby in there! how can I protect this baby? Thoughts ran through my head at a frightening speed – How am I going to take care of a baby, raise a person? I can barely take care of myself! I think I laid awake that entire night. As the days went on, the excitement gained momentum with nursery decorating, showers, maternity clothes. We had always known that if we had a boy, his name would be Jack. And once we found out his gender, Jack was all we could talk about. I went into labor on a warm summer morning. I was scared but excited. 14 hours later a beautiful 8 pound baby was born. He was perfect. He didn’t cry. He had tons of spiky dark hair and wide eyes! The doctors came into the room to check on him because they were concerned he didn’t cry and he just looked around with these crazy eyes! He was Just being Jack since the moment he was born. Nothing was wrong, he was perfect. Raising him was not always easy. He had the energy of the energizer bunny and I had the energy of a sloth. But we worked it out. I always felt guilty as I let him watch Cars 10x while I napped or because I would let him play my iPad so I could get some peace. I felt like a terrible mother. I was never a playdate, park taking, adventure seeking mom. I was content just staying home and cuddling with my baby. And I look at him know, almost 12 years old and I realize I did alright. WE did alright. He amazes more and more every day. He is caring, polite, makes me laugh every single day with his great sense of humor, handsome and talented. When I thought we failed, I realize we didn’t. Far from it. He has a heart of gold and can put me in my place if I’m being judgmental with kind words that make me realize that I’m being petty. He has a confidence that cannot be broken. He doesn’t care what people think of him, he does what he likes no matter what others say to him. We can banter all day. He is my sunshine. He still asks me to lay down with him before he goes to bed every night. We talk about his day. If he ever starts to feel down like I haven’t been able to spend as much time with him as he would have liked, I always remind him… You have a special place in my heart that no one else can claim, You are the only person that can say you made me a mom. I look forward to watching him grow, fulfill his dreams and start a family of his own one day. What I do know is that whomever he marries will be very lucky because he is going to be an amazing spouse and father. So if you are at all like me and doubt how you are doing as a parent…don’t. Look at your child, look at those beautiful qualities that YOU instilled in him or her and know that you took on the hardest job of all, raising a child and you rocked it! Good job moms and dads and Happy New Year!!

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