… and she loved a boy very, very much– even more than she loved herself…
Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree
This is my favorite book of all times. And that one simple phrase sums it all up. After all of the wrestling, screaming, tattling, temper tantrums, there is this gentle calm underneath it all. A bond they have with their mommies that no one can break. They show this to me when they cuddle with me at night and tell me that I’m the best mommy in the world. They make me so proud, even on their worst days, they make me proud. I would move mountains for them. Cross the ends of the earth for them. Give my life just to see them happy. They are growing up before my eyes. One day I will pick them up, put them down and never pick them up again. I don’t want that day to come but I know it’s coming. So I try to enjoy and embrace every moment. I’m as guilty as the next person when I say that I let my patience get the best of me at times. I may not always make the best choices, but I will learn from those choices and make better ones next time. So little men in my life, I want you to know that you are the stars to my moon. The peanut butter to my jelly. The ying to my yang and I promise to be the best mom I can be to you every day. And when I’m old, gray and can’t take care of myself and you read this, I hope this helps me secure a room in your house . I don’t like nursing homes.
Last night was one of those beautiful nights. You know the kind. You pay a babysitter an insane amount of money to watch your kids while you go out with friends and try to re-live your 20’s. So there we were, Out at a bar having a great time and the suggestion to play an old drinking game from our college days called “I Never”, also know as “Never Have I Ever” came up. Everyone kind of looked around hesitantly at each other as this game is an infamous fight starter (You did WHAT? WHEN? Weren’t we dating then? You didn’t send me those pictures!). Not this time, I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years. There is nothing we don’t know about each other. So we decided to play. For those of you who don’t know the game “I Never”, it’s a game where someone will say something like “I’ve never cheated on a test”. If you’re sitting at the table and HAVE done this, you have to drink. Let’s just say I was somewhat of a troublemaker (God Bless my parents) and my first beer was gone within minutes. Quickly I was on my second, and third and thats when it started to get a little fuzzy. The next thing I knew I was dancing on an open patio in 30° weather, that was until my not so 20 year old knee gave out on me. I’m paying for that today. But we can save that for another blog. But this game got me thinking today, as I was laying on the couch all day long (Another reminder that I am no longer 20). How am I going to handle those days when my kids grow up? Will I be the helicopter mom that parks outside of the party and peeks in the windows, or will I hand my sons a box of condoms and say “go get ’em tiger, and bring me a six pack on the way home”. I hope somewhere in between. I thought I was safe and I had years to decide their fate until today I was sitting in the family room as my 9 year old son played Minecraft on the computer in the room next to me. All of a sudden I heard him yell at the screen “Wussies”! Although, it wasn’t wussies, it RHYMED with wussies but started with a P. To my horror I started the inquisition…”Where did you hear that? Which one of your friends talks like that? Did you hear that on YouTube? I’m blocking Youtube!” My husband casually walked into the room and said “I got this…Jay, thats not a nice word to call someone. I don’t want to hear you saying it again or you will be grounded”. Bam, done. End of conversation. Effective and to the point. Kids are going to be influenced by everything around them and I’ve learned, or I’m going to have to real quick, that I can’t keep them in a bubble. They are going to grow up, make mistakes, fall down and get back up again. It’s this thing we call life. Would I like to keep their ears covered and every ounce of alcohol kept away from their lips for the rest of their lives? You bet. Is that going to happen? Not a chance in hell. If anything, I want my kids to feel like they can call me and say they’ve had a little too much to drink and would I please pick them up? If I instill the fear of God in them I know they won’t ever do that and I might end up wishing I handled things a lot differently. So I guess what I’m saying is that kids are going to be kids. I can tell them what is right and I can tell them what is wrong but they are going to do what they want in the end. I just want them to know that I am there for them during that crazy time that we call adolescence. They are going to be ok, and smart and successful and anything they want to be. Even if they fall a few times, because their dad and I will be there to pick them up. And if there is one thing I want them to know, its that. They are LOVED beyond words. And besides, I turned ok didn’t I?
Ever since I was a little girl, I had dreams of being a mom to little girls. Playing Princesses, bows,curls,tutus,PINK,PINK and more PINK! So there we were, 10 years ago, DINKS with a positive pregnancy test in our hand. In my head I thought, “I’d love a girl, but an older brother would be great.” Sure enough, when the ultrasound tech asked us if we wanted to know the sex of course there was a unanimous “YES” between my husband and I. It was a BOY! We were both really excited, and he was healthy which was all that mattered. The second pregnancy came, and my urge for a girl was even stronger. This pregnancy was so different and I was convinced it was a girl. I got all the comments from people that tried to predict the gender in advance…”whats the baby’s heart rate?, What are you craving? You look awful, it must be a girl!” (that was my favorite). The ultrasound tech proudly announced “Its a boy!” Now I won’t lie, my heart sank a bit. But I thought it would be great to have a pal for his older brother. And my third, who WILL be a girl, will definitely be protected! Shortly after, we decided it was time to try for our “girl”. I followed the “Shettles Method” and other tips and tricks that I read that would GUARANTEE our girl! We were blessed with our third pregnancy, our “girl”. I counted the days until the ultrasound and dreamed of American Girl dolls and tea parties. It was D-day. Ultrasound time. I was certain we had done everything right. All signs pointed to girl! I was even saying “she” when I referred to the baby. I laid in the chair and the tech asked us “do you want to know the sex?” With optimistic caution, we replied yes. He responded, “Its a BOY!” Silence filled the room. My husband turned to me with a terrified look that said “oh crap!”as tears began to stream down my face. “But I have two boys I said, are you sure?” The tech assured me that it was in fact another boy and we could always get a girl dog! My dreams of pink and princesses were over. To those who have struggled with infertility, I know this sounds so shallow. And looking back now it was. Any baby is the most amazing gift from God. A healthy baby is what is important. I have since learned the lesson of my life, and know now how this couldn’t be more true. This is my journey, my life with 3 boys, who I am utterly, totally,head over heels in love with. Being a mom to 3 boys has taught me that you don’t always get what you want, but you get what you need. And there is no doubt in my mind that I need these 3 perfect boys in my life and I would never have it another way!! Would I still want a girl? Absolutely. But if it in is our plan to have another baby, I’ve got HIS name picked out!